[Some conversations with my sons]
 
Jonah: What kind of cheese is that you're cutting . . . swiss?
Me: No, it's called Gouda.
Jonah: Is that from the Gouda Family Robinson?

Me: I'm going on a trip tomorrow.  I'm going to Seattle.
Jonah: Who's attle? 

Jonah: Daddy, I'm scared.
Me: What are you scared of?
Jonah: Something I'm not scared of.

Nancy: Sam, what kind of cake do you want for your birthday?
Sam: Shark.  That would be big!
Nancy: No, what do you want it to taste like?
Sam: Oh. (pause) Chocolate.

	[And from the non-sequitir department, a non-conversation]

Me: Jonah, what do you want for your snack today?
Jonah: We're not going outside for recess
Me: So, . . . that means you want cheese for your snack?
Jonah: It's really foggy today.
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	This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

	This young man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
				-- Quotations from British Army officers
				remarking on the fitness of their troops
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	I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather
	not screaming and in terror like his passengers. -- anon
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			    The Sorest Loser

[From a comment by Lighton Ndefwayl, a Zambian tennis player, after his
defeat by fellow Zambian Musumba Bwayla in a match last year. The remark
was quoted in the Jockbeat column of the January 12 Village Voice.]

	Musumba Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player.  He has 
	a huge nose and is cross-eyed.  Girls hate him.  He beat me
	because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he
	farts, and that made me lose my concentration, for which I am
	famous throughout Zambia."
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A great nose indicates a great man,
Genial, courteous, intellectual,
Virile, courageous.
       Edmond Rostand, _Cyrano_de_Bergerac_ (Act I)
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				Cheese jokes

I have examined cheese very closely, and as far as I can tell it consists
of cheese.  I have obtained similar results with celery.  --Dave Barry

Did you hear about the kibbutz which is planning a new line of dairy products?
They are going to call them Cheeses of Nazareth.  --Robert Harris
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                                FDIC Orders
                             Absolute Auction
                             Object's of D'Art
                                        --Advertisement in the Baltimore Sun
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 . . . the tour was standing room only: hockey arenas packed with quiet,
intense people; press conferences; autographing sessions; people fawning
over my every word--the works.  I'd say , "Hi, how are you?" and someone
would say, "Yes!  Of course!  _How_ are you!  It's not the whereness, or
the whyness, or the whoness of the you, it's _how!_ _How!_"
--Garrison Keillor

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The church is near, but the road is icy.
The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully.
        --Russian Proverb

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A sentence about a jail term for mismanagement of funds (note the 
7 prepositions in a row!!):

    "How long is that guy you signed the mortgage you couldn't get out
from under over to in for?" -- J. Bollard
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   The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that 
	the first one was useless. -- Chamfort
 
   Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Gauguin
 
   Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck
 
   A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, 
	but after that begins to bunch them. -- Mencken
 
   Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. -- Garrison Keillor
 
   The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first 
	divorce. -- Galbraith
 
   Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 
	-- Erma Bombeck
 
   The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 
	-- Jerry Brown
 
   Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of 
	rules.  You keep score with money. -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
 
   The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking 
	is waiting. -- Fran Liebowitz
 
   In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. -- Josi Simon
 
   The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days 
	later you're hungry again. -- George Miller
 
   Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the 
	burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. 
	-- Calvin Trillin
 
   The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is 
	often hard to deal with: death. -- Michael Phelps, MD
 
   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned 
	a car. -- Carrie Snow
 
   When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and 
	go to concerts. -- Steven Pearl
 
   I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything 
	else in the world is fixed. -- Frank Deford, sports writer
 
   One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to 
	compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. 
	-- anonymous
 
   There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without 
	result.--Churchill
 
   A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 
	-- Michael Winner, British film director
 
   It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. -- Jack 
	Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been elected governor of California.
	[Warner is also reported to have said when told of Reagan's candidacy 
       for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
 
   There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no 
	one knows what they are. -- Maugham
 
   I felt like poisoning a monk. -- Umberto Eco, on why he wrote 
	The Name of the Rose
 
   All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills
	after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.  -- anonymous
 
   I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide 
	temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry Lee
 
   I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
	-- Steven Pearl
 
   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential 
	food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine
 
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We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form
up into teams, we would be reorganized.  I was to learn later in life
that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful
method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing
confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.  -Petronius Arbiter, 210 BC
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When you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers,
you know something about it; but when you cannot express it in numbers, your
knowledge is of a meager and unsatisfactory kind; it may be the beginning of
knowledge, but you have scarcely, in your thoughts, advanced to the stage of
science.        - William Thompson, Lord Kelvin (1824-1907),
		  Popular Lectures and Addresses, 1891-1894
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're
talking about.  --John von Neumann
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 "It's such a fine line between being clever and being stupid."  
						      This is Spinal Tap (1983)
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Happiness = Reality - expectations.   - Car talk

My father on my financial situation:
  Too bad you weren't born rich instead of so good looking.

My father on balding:
  If it starts in the front, you're a thinker,
  If it starts in the back, you're a lover,
  If it starts in the front and the back, you just think you're a lover

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest
cheat in Europe.  - Jackie Mason

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.  - Oscar Wilde
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GRAPHICS: the ability to make pie charts and bar graphs, which are the
universal business method for making abstract concepts, such as "three",
comprehensible to morons like your boss.  --Dave Barry
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[An advertisement in the Denver Westword]

Innovative, well supervised program looking for parents or single adults
to provide a neutering, structured living situation for adolescents.
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I say a nation that is capable of orbiting a U.S. senator is capable of
determining the lyrics to "Louie Louie".  --Dave Barry
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses
like accounting" -- David Letterman
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You have the right to remain silly. Any fruit you wear on your head can and
will be used against you in a court of law.
--The Carmen Miranda rights
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                             WHOLE PORTION
                               PORK LOINS
                              17 lb. avg.
                               $1.39 lb.
                          Cut to your Likeness
                                -Advertisement in the Philadelphia Enquirer
                          [They say it's a more expressive medium than beef]
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I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired
of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country with
being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm sick and tired of being
told that I am.  -M. Python
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I 
looked into the soul of the boy next to me.   -- Woody Allen --

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've 
never tried before.   -- Mae West --
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